My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Green mimosas i think yes
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
