I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
