In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
