I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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