GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize