i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
