At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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