i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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