The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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