I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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