We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
