you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
