How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
