apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize