spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
