I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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