i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
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