My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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