my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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