I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Just invented taco cereal.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
