Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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