I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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