Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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