there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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