please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
