Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
