so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
