I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
