Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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