my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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