so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
