So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
