Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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