Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
then he tried to convert me to islam
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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