last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
