He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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