I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
