I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
