I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
