go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
