Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I just had sex on a roof
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
