Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize