if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
