I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
