All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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