i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
