I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
