Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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