I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
