you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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