It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
