I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
jump out the window naked night went bad
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