sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
