He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
