My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
