What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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