His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
