My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
