I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize