He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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